Overwhelmed

Today is the second day in a row, where I face death.
Yesterday I did CPR for the first time throughout my housemanship. Yeah, my anti-jonahness is really running out in this dept. (Malaysian medicos lingo: Being Jonah means u have bad luck. Like an omen. Lol. I know I shouldn't actually laugh but doctors have a really dry sense of humour, so to speak.) The uncle was in and out through it all. He couldn't maintain his pulse without our CPR. After 30 mins, we call it quits. And let the uncle rest in peace. And my left eye muscle is twitching outta lethargy.

Today morning, it was my first time in charge of the coronary care unit. Filled with unstable, very ill, tend to collapse at any time patients. 8 beds in all. And this one uncle just screamed when he saw me.
"Doktor!! Tolong saya doktor!!!"
I attended to him, steths flailing around my neck. He felt breathless, he said. Kept shouting and not even trying to breathe. Checked his lungs, reduced air entry. But his lungs already shown cancer signs, so it's expected. I asked him to calm down, breathe in and stop trying to speak. His breathing normalizes for mere seconds. Then he shouted again.
The nurse outside hinting me to come out of his room. Then she told me he's been liddat since admission. We tried to increase his oxygenation, but he refused to wear the face mask. "Doktor jangan tunjuk muka, dia memang nak ada orang dengan dia sepanjang masa." I felt a tad bit bad for him, cz I would've feel the same if I'm at his place. In the afternoon, while our team are actually discussing with his family whether to give active resuscitation should he fell into collapse or not, he actually collapsed.
"Doktor, patient unresponsive!"
My MO hit my arm, "Dik u pegi dulu cpr, i setelkan family!" I jumped from my seat into the patient's room. The male nurse was on the patient, trying. I looked into the patient's eye.
"Dah tak ada tu bang. Fixed dilated."
"Takpe dr family belum bagi kata putus."
Glassy eyes staring at me like a pair of doom filled beads. My MO came in rushing. "Sudah. Mereka kata NAR."

The male nurse looked at me. "Tadi dia sempat mengucap."

Both times, the same thought crossed my mind. How will I end mine? Will I have the ability to remember God? Will He allow me to end with His name on my dire lips?

I am so out of touch with my spirits lately. I am soulless casket, filled to the brim with misery.

It took 2 deaths to shook me.
And bring me to Allah.

Oh Lord, Master of this meager world, Master of me,

End me with Your name.