A Tribute

There was a time in my life when I was 26, and I don't have a life goal.

(I still don't. My only real hope (I feel too unworthy to call it a goal) is to die as a good muslim.)

I just finished my uni years, and I am back in Malaysia where my peeps had already built their careers and have kids and bought a house and whatnot.

I don't even know how to drive.

And a job seems so far, because of the stupid delayed placement. And it's funny when people thought medical graduates couldn't do any other shit other than doctoring, and I had a hard time looking for part-time jobs, though at last I do nailed two.

My college friends are all scattered all over Malaysia. The ones near to me are also too busy to hangout.

There was 2 things that I never gave up.
1) My blog and my blah-blahs
2) My twitter account and my blah-blahs

It seemed to me that I got a lot to pour out.

There's this 2 guys I knew first from their blog, and then on Twitter. They're friends when they were in lower secondary. They're still tight with each other. They are awesome writers and bloggers. They appreciate words, arts, vocabulary, grammar, and looking at the world to find its meaning. They are total nerds. And they are awesome.

Their names are Najahul Akhyar, and Syed Badruz-Zaman.

One thing led to another and suddenly we arranged a meet up.

And suddenly we were Golongan Pelik Saling Mengampu. This weird trio.

We wrote stuff, and criticizing each other's. We went to museums and wrote more stuff. We alerted each other when there's writing competition (which I never really joined but yeah) or any other events. We went to book fests, we anticipated BBW. We went for karaokes. Soon enough I felt like they're my truest best friends, and I can tell them anything and everything and I mean it. I do tell them anything and everything.

If anything, they kept me sane.

Looking back, my life would be so different if they're not around. I could live my double life as a kindy teacher cum TV episodes translator while struggling to pass my driving license and waiting for my unholy housemanship call, alone. I could fall into depression and misery with no other person to talk to other than my siblings (who have absolutely no interest in me or my boring life) or my mom (whose life goal is to manage the family and always ends up confiding her problems to me instead of the other way round.) It was a hard time for me. A really hard one.

And these guys. I feel like I owed them my life.

There are some people, whom I felt like I owe them my life. Like the person who got me through my first posting in housemanship. And the two people who talked me out of the idea of suicide when I already had the knife in my hand, that time when I broke up with that guy.

Of some uncertain reasons, these people also happened to not talking to me anymore these days. Like yeah maybe here and there but not like we used to.

If these people got into anything and need anything, anything at all, at whatever price,

I'll be there.

And these two peliks, I also happened to be not so connected with them anymore. Life progressed. I am now a year in my housemanship, hustlin' day in day out, driving my own Myvi, got into an accident the other day.

And just like how unceremonious we had got together, we just part ways.

Slowly, but surely.

And it makes me sad. It makes me depressed on my hungover days like today, when I'm tired of yesterday's ED call and is virtually free and have no one to talk to.

As this is the most recent parting I had, it cuts me real bad. And at this age and situation, I don't have the time or energy to self-recover, quick.

I found myself singing alone loudly just to fill the space.

I found myself driving my poor fragile Myvi at 150kmph just to see if I got into another accident or not.

I found myself crying after prayers, wishing that I have a friend.

I found myself staring at my mother's plant, wondering why it wilted so fast.

I found myself so lack of passion.

I found myself losing myself.

I am not blaming them. I just missed them.

And being the adult that I am now, I know that I should let them led life, and if it means more without me around, they should go on without me. And be happy.

It still feels like losing some part of myself.

And I hope I am okay, and could be happy again, too.

I am in peace with them. And if time and God permits, I would like to have one whole day for coffee and all our conversations.

I miss you guys, and this is a tribute to Syed and Naja.

Be happy.