Buat Sayang

Puisi cinta ini aku ungkapkan untuk dia yang belumpun lagi mampir, di wajah Merdeka tahun ini.

Sayang,
Aku baru saja mendengarkan sajak Kekasih karya Usman Awang
Terus aku menerawang
Dalam dunia di mana bintang timur bisa dititip menjadi kerongsang
Melawan kasih yang matang.

Sayang,
Di manakah engkau berada?
Adakah di belakangku kala aku mendengar puisi tadi
Atau di ingatanmu seorang aku, yang kau harapkan akan kembali menuliskan puisi cinta untukmu
Puisi ini untukmu
Puisi ini untukmu
Puisi ini malahan untukmu, berlilit doa pilu dari denting hati kosong yang semakin tipis disalutbeku salju.

Sayang, takbir Aidiladha berkumandang
Ingin aku membetulkan keluk songkok dan letak cekak musangmu
Sebelum engkau berlalu ke pintu Kekasih
Mensyukuri hati masih penuh cinta
Untukku dan untuk-Nya

Puisi ini mungkin menjadi yang paling indah atau yang paling jelek
Dikarang kala belum mengenalimu
Emosi meruntun, aku tenggelam
Memanggilmu sayang, sayang, sayang
Entah tiada atau ada di talian

Sore ini, aku masih punya rasa sayang
Kasih yang teramat dalam
Aku bentangkan lara di tikar kerinduan
Sampai kau datang, memerdekakan aku dari sepi,
Sayang.

Malam Aidiladha yang belum merdeka.
Bukit Mahkota
310817

60

Selamat ulang tahun, Negaraku.

Beberapa tika aku melungu mendengar
Kata-kata lontaran watanmu
Membilang neka warna merdeka
Dengan definisi serba-serbi
Layakkah engkau dipuji, atau dicerca, atau diharap hati?

Tanahmu agam, sekian lama menyergam
Emosi, cita dan airmata
Engkau baru saja bertatih, bukan
Belum pulih tempang dijajah semalam

Engkau merdeka, ya pasti merdeka
Namun sorak-sorai belum membasuh dosa
Anak-anak budiman yang belum punya bangga
Sebenar-benar bangga,
Berdiri mengalun lagu pancaragam tanda kemuliaan bangsa.

Aku masih percaya padamu, Negaraku.

Bangkitlah dengan sebelah kaki, atau satu lagi
Kita akan sama-sama rintis,
Mata-mata benci kita tepis,
Masa depan yang semakin jernih, kuaminkan di setiap ingat-ingatan manis.

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Negaraku.

Tapak Sembahan Antik

Melorek kenang di setiap segi jubinan hijaumu
Melantun ceritera silam
Setiap takbir berpalu-palu
Setiap tahmid berpadu-padu

Menara berpundakmu selalu setia
Mengalun azan di lima ketika

Masih dikunjung masih dikagum
Lambang nama Tuhan sekian lama diagung.

Masjid Kg Kling, Melaka
1347, 300817

Langkah-langkah

Mengunci biara lara, sepi
Berkelintung gema kaki di kubah rintih
Berbalam-balam cahaya melawan tingkah langkah
Bocah dilayan seperti hama
Laba-laba tersisa, tak dihabisi santap
Mengapa harus lelap
Segala untai dan rasa yang belum terintai senyap
Gelap, seisi buanaku gelap
Belum adamu belum tampilku
Berdiri di bidai melangit merantai
Ketik-ketik listrik aksara tertepis lentik
Misalku, tangisku

Sebaris hambar terbiar seperti patutnya ia
Terbiasa beriya-iya,
Untuk apa dinantinya denting gading putih
Jerih, perih

Laksamana belum bertingkah, bunganya sumbang
Pintas dan pantun dibilang-bilang
Kenapa tidak sekarang
Setahunannya fikir takkan berakhir
Gempur saja

Hambur segala mundir
Gebang segala lampir
Biar mati
Biar hampir.

Kelekatu Jingga

Kelekatu jingga
Mengelabui mata
Rona petang yang serasa memeluk
Hangat seluruh kebuk

Membising ganggu pulas
Takhtaku pusing culas

Ah, hari semakin kuning
Dan laut semakin pening

Masih ada sisa sebelum senja

Kelekatu jingga belum keluar berpesta.

Pengunci

Pengunci
Kau punya kuasa
Pinta aiskrim atau mangga
Punya semua
Punya angkara

Apa menari di fikirmu
Imajinasi atau benci
Cinta atau kuku besi

Lihat apa kau perlaku padaku

Bukakan gari ini

Bebaskan hari ini

Suntikkan
Picagari

Lerai, lari.

Usai Teater Kurung
Minut Init, Damansara
260817

A Tribute

There was a time in my life when I was 26, and I don't have a life goal.

(I still don't. My only real hope (I feel too unworthy to call it a goal) is to die as a good muslim.)

I just finished my uni years, and I am back in Malaysia where my peeps had already built their careers and have kids and bought a house and whatnot.

I don't even know how to drive.

And a job seems so far, because of the stupid delayed placement. And it's funny when people thought medical graduates couldn't do any other shit other than doctoring, and I had a hard time looking for part-time jobs, though at last I do nailed two.

My college friends are all scattered all over Malaysia. The ones near to me are also too busy to hangout.

There was 2 things that I never gave up.
1) My blog and my blah-blahs
2) My twitter account and my blah-blahs

It seemed to me that I got a lot to pour out.

There's this 2 guys I knew first from their blog, and then on Twitter. They're friends when they were in lower secondary. They're still tight with each other. They are awesome writers and bloggers. They appreciate words, arts, vocabulary, grammar, and looking at the world to find its meaning. They are total nerds. And they are awesome.

Their names are Najahul Akhyar, and Syed Badruz-Zaman.

One thing led to another and suddenly we arranged a meet up.

And suddenly we were Golongan Pelik Saling Mengampu. This weird trio.

We wrote stuff, and criticizing each other's. We went to museums and wrote more stuff. We alerted each other when there's writing competition (which I never really joined but yeah) or any other events. We went to book fests, we anticipated BBW. We went for karaokes. Soon enough I felt like they're my truest best friends, and I can tell them anything and everything and I mean it. I do tell them anything and everything.

If anything, they kept me sane.

Looking back, my life would be so different if they're not around. I could live my double life as a kindy teacher cum TV episodes translator while struggling to pass my driving license and waiting for my unholy housemanship call, alone. I could fall into depression and misery with no other person to talk to other than my siblings (who have absolutely no interest in me or my boring life) or my mom (whose life goal is to manage the family and always ends up confiding her problems to me instead of the other way round.) It was a hard time for me. A really hard one.

And these guys. I feel like I owed them my life.

There are some people, whom I felt like I owe them my life. Like the person who got me through my first posting in housemanship. And the two people who talked me out of the idea of suicide when I already had the knife in my hand, that time when I broke up with that guy.

Of some uncertain reasons, these people also happened to not talking to me anymore these days. Like yeah maybe here and there but not like we used to.

If these people got into anything and need anything, anything at all, at whatever price,

I'll be there.

And these two peliks, I also happened to be not so connected with them anymore. Life progressed. I am now a year in my housemanship, hustlin' day in day out, driving my own Myvi, got into an accident the other day.

And just like how unceremonious we had got together, we just part ways.

Slowly, but surely.

And it makes me sad. It makes me depressed on my hungover days like today, when I'm tired of yesterday's ED call and is virtually free and have no one to talk to.

As this is the most recent parting I had, it cuts me real bad. And at this age and situation, I don't have the time or energy to self-recover, quick.

I found myself singing alone loudly just to fill the space.

I found myself driving my poor fragile Myvi at 150kmph just to see if I got into another accident or not.

I found myself crying after prayers, wishing that I have a friend.

I found myself staring at my mother's plant, wondering why it wilted so fast.

I found myself so lack of passion.

I found myself losing myself.

I am not blaming them. I just missed them.

And being the adult that I am now, I know that I should let them led life, and if it means more without me around, they should go on without me. And be happy.

It still feels like losing some part of myself.

And I hope I am okay, and could be happy again, too.

I am in peace with them. And if time and God permits, I would like to have one whole day for coffee and all our conversations.

I miss you guys, and this is a tribute to Syed and Naja.

Be happy.

Candy

Malam, yang mengapungkan segala mungkin
Aku tersenyum sendiri
Mengenangkan senyummu di hari itu

Seperti ada satu kuasa sakti
Membangunku dari kantuk
Memapanku kala lelah

Aku sangka telah lepas aku dari segala rasa
Namun
Yang manis akan selamanya gula

Sehingga kau pergi, sesungguh-sungguhnya.

Olok-olok

Ada titian yang mengolok kembang bunga di kepagian hari
Katanya untuk apa, menyembah limpah mentari
Dimamah-tinggal, panas malamnya
Tak kekal jua, binasa malarnya

Titian terlupa ia yang kekal, diinjak-injak selalu
Demi mengagumi warna-warni bebunga

Bunga diam, kerana yang indah selalunya diam
Dan yang mengolok itu keras, sepertinya titian
Yang tidak tahu lebih baiknya tidak diinjak
Daripada kekalnya mengeluh di kehidupan seluruh

Olokannya menjadi satu paradigma tak berbalas
Terapung-apung di ruang hirau
Menampung nilai yang berkilau.

Kita

"Kau pergi sana dengan siapa?"
"Diri sendiri."

"Kau tengok wayang itu hari dengan siapa?"
"Diri sendiri."

"Macam mana kau boleh ingat jalan? Kau bukan baru pandai drive ke?"
"Aku kena selamatkan diri sendiri."

Diriku,
Kita senantiasa ada kita.

Move

I want to live properly, and fully.

I feel like these days, I'm doing things half-heartedly, if not heartlessly. I do things cz it needs to get done, and I just happen to be there. I feel unfortunate, I feel unimpressed, I constantly get comments that I don't do my work properly like it's supposed to be done. Like there was something wrong with me. Something is off, something is not right. And I fell for it. I started to believe that I'm really stupid and incompetent, and slow and unreliable.  Working long hours, spending so much time on charting. I blame it on time, I blame it on age, I blame it on the geniuses minds that I was not born with.

I need to take a deep breath, and rethink.

I need to count my blessings.

I need to stop cursing all the things under the sun.

I need to say things that only need to be said.

I need to stop hurting the ones I love.

I need to expand my heart, and grow a lil vine of care.

I need to stop being so childish.

I need to stop believing that I can't do things, and learn. And have the will to learn.

I need to wake up, and get up.

Now.

Overwhelmed

Today is the second day in a row, where I face death.
Yesterday I did CPR for the first time throughout my housemanship. Yeah, my anti-jonahness is really running out in this dept. (Malaysian medicos lingo: Being Jonah means u have bad luck. Like an omen. Lol. I know I shouldn't actually laugh but doctors have a really dry sense of humour, so to speak.) The uncle was in and out through it all. He couldn't maintain his pulse without our CPR. After 30 mins, we call it quits. And let the uncle rest in peace. And my left eye muscle is twitching outta lethargy.

Today morning, it was my first time in charge of the coronary care unit. Filled with unstable, very ill, tend to collapse at any time patients. 8 beds in all. And this one uncle just screamed when he saw me.
"Doktor!! Tolong saya doktor!!!"
I attended to him, steths flailing around my neck. He felt breathless, he said. Kept shouting and not even trying to breathe. Checked his lungs, reduced air entry. But his lungs already shown cancer signs, so it's expected. I asked him to calm down, breathe in and stop trying to speak. His breathing normalizes for mere seconds. Then he shouted again.
The nurse outside hinting me to come out of his room. Then she told me he's been liddat since admission. We tried to increase his oxygenation, but he refused to wear the face mask. "Doktor jangan tunjuk muka, dia memang nak ada orang dengan dia sepanjang masa." I felt a tad bit bad for him, cz I would've feel the same if I'm at his place. In the afternoon, while our team are actually discussing with his family whether to give active resuscitation should he fell into collapse or not, he actually collapsed.
"Doktor, patient unresponsive!"
My MO hit my arm, "Dik u pegi dulu cpr, i setelkan family!" I jumped from my seat into the patient's room. The male nurse was on the patient, trying. I looked into the patient's eye.
"Dah tak ada tu bang. Fixed dilated."
"Takpe dr family belum bagi kata putus."
Glassy eyes staring at me like a pair of doom filled beads. My MO came in rushing. "Sudah. Mereka kata NAR."

The male nurse looked at me. "Tadi dia sempat mengucap."

Both times, the same thought crossed my mind. How will I end mine? Will I have the ability to remember God? Will He allow me to end with His name on my dire lips?

I am so out of touch with my spirits lately. I am soulless casket, filled to the brim with misery.

It took 2 deaths to shook me.
And bring me to Allah.

Oh Lord, Master of this meager world, Master of me,

End me with Your name.