Oncall Random Schmandrum

The feeling when you stepped on long, untrimmed grass.

Squish, squish, squish. Left, right, left. Squish, squish, squish.

Brought back childhood memories. On weekends and some evenings, my parents used to bring us to some playground or another, to run around and play with the swing, see-saw, bouncy to-sit-on animal statues, those sorts. We would come at sunrise on the weekends, stayed there till my mom done jogging. My dad loves badminton, he tried to teach us, but to no avail. Everyone in my family knows the story of how I slapped my own face with the badminton racquet while swinging it (Luckily my specs, or my face, didn't break). That, is how bad I was at it haha. But I was a happy kid anyway. It is my happy thing, going to a park and just have a nice quiet time, taking a stroll, smelling the grass, listen to the birds chirping.

It's a luxury to me now.

I've been eyeing the small park behind my hostel for quite some time now. I can see it from my room window. It's got some swings, slide, see-saw, park benches, jogging trail, a gazebo, fitness freaks's thingies to work out on. I've sworn to myself to go whenever I got free time in the morning.

I never got that chance, till today.

Previous on call, I did with Wani, my long time friend from my college times in India. She kinda already depicted what to do on our oncall day, meaning for me to follow her timings. We woke up at 8, breakfast, read cases at itd, lunch, sleep for 1 hour the go back to itd to finally read cases and go to the wards and start our call. Yeah, she's kinda bossy that way. I'm used to her fits but it's not helping me. It's suffocating me.

I felt so miserable that day. I want to see the sun. I want to have some quiet time for myself, having some positive energy before starting the day.

Today I'm having my call with another senior. She hasn't been bothering me, she didn't even replied to my text about the division for our ward tonight.

I went out for a walk as soon as the sunrise broke, to find the playground. At first I didn't find it. I nearly hit the ground to the main road already and I turned around. When I reach my room, only then I figured how to go to the playground.

So here I am. Listening to the birds chirping. Smelling the grass. Sitting on the park bench.

There are two men sleeping at the gazebo benches. Sound sleepers. They don't even snore. I wonder how they survived the cold of the night. Even under my warm covers, I can feel the coldness in my room. Selayang is a hilly area, sometimes the nights are so chilly. Teeth gritting. Cars keep coming and going. It's a Tuesday, still very much early in the week.

Like I know what's early anymore.

I took a deep breath, and I think I can start my day. I'll try to stand tall. I'm handling 15 patients tonight. My colleague just replied my text.

May today be a good day for me and for you.

May Allah grant the strength in our hearts, and the sharpness of our mind, and the will to go on no matter what is thrown on us.

May I stay strong to just walk another day.

Assalamualaykum.

Just Another Night For Us In Selayang

I have no energy for poems these days. Yes, even poems. A few strings of words that used to come so naturally to me. Yesterday I slept at 8.30pm, today at 4.30am I'm at the ward, starting my day. I got off work at 7.30pm, didn't sit down for 6-7 hours. Long hours. Even longer rants on my Twitter account. I am now at the makan place near the stadium, my friend sitting in front of me, staring intently on his phone. I looked around. A family of Malays, around 15 people, set up 3 tables and sit together, immersed in meals and conversations. At one end, the females mothering their children; the other end, the men laughing out loud, breathing out smoke. That's the most traditional as it ever gets, feminists would cry out loud at this scene. Men behind me discussed insurance policies and knee pains. The obese group behind my friend, something so animatedly I can't overhear, represented by hand gestures. Fat hands flying in the air. I wonder what makes them so happy. Could be just meeting the family, I haven't seen my mom in a week. Could be the nice food my friend told me about. Could be about work, spiritual reincarnations and so forth. Could be anything! I love how all things could be 'could be(s)', as long as you open your heart and imagination. Not much left for me though, my head's still wrapped around my work, and the tembikai laici ain't helping.

Two parties had already ask for funds from us. Watching around, we ain't a very generous community, me being guilty.

Zaidi's tembikai gelas besar made me regret my decision to take the regular glass. If I had ordered the big glass, I would've get more lychees, isn't that the logic? We both sipped our drinks without a word. The table is lopsided, the smell of the drain nearby is nauseating.

I wonder why I am here.

I am still hungry. Our food just arrived. The smallness of our rice portion is unbelievable.

This had been a very nice rant.

Bon appetit!

Jangan Pergi

Kepada yang belum lagi pergi,

Aku belum merelakanmu.

Aku sudah cukup selesa dengan tingkahku. Setiap saat jikalau bisa, aku lontarkan tanpa ada tersisa. Senyumku tebar, merata. Resahku berjela-jela, disambut kadangkala sinis, kadangkala mesra, suatu jaringan berkilau yang selalu ada. Engkau, engkau dan engkau.

Jangan pergi lagi.

Sasarku kadang masih sasau.

Kepada yang belum lagi pergi,

Aku tahu pelukan jiwa kita bukanlah suatu keabadian. Di mana masa saja kita bisa berubah kota, merubah jalan. Aku pernah mengalami ini, berkali-kali. Aku amat mengerti erti pemergi, yang tiada niat untuk kembali menangisi ikatan yang telah pergi. Carik-carik mengundang lerai. Pateri melebur, lengai. Hilang puing, tinggal debu-debu yang asing. Miring. Pusing.

Aku belum mahu berpaksikan tatih, semula mengatur-atur langkah tersisih. Usia makin memipih. Aku aneh. Aku tak mahu terserpih, tanpa ada alang-alang keras memapah langkah dan keberontakan jiwa seorang aku. Jaringan kita sudah cukup lama, cukup ampuh, cukup selesa. Cukup membuai ku leka.

Aku ditampar realiti. Sekelip mata sekilas kaki, banyak orang-orang menarik kalian pergi,

Jangan pergi lagi,

Jangan pergi lagi!

Sekali saat ini aku meminta, sehingga direnggut nafasku aku meminta, di keterlepasan akhir-akhir logika,

Jangan pergi lagi, hingga aku bersedia.

Sayangku masih meninggi di gunung hati.

Jangan pergi,
Di sekali saat ini aku menyanyi,
Lagu antara mati dan hidup sunyi.

Jangan pergi, lagi.

A Tuesday With Zaidi

The title was coined by my friend Syed, a knock-off from Mitch Albom's work Tuesdays With Morrie. Not as inspiring, tho. Not even a slight debris of it. Lol.

I'm in Selayang Hospital now. The doctors' quarters, to be exact.

Life is super dull if you ask me. Orientation isn't gonna be over till next Tuesday.

Nevertheless, I did things I never did before. Like yesterday, I got on a taxi to get the declaration for my father's name at the city council, alone. I never took the taxi alone. But heck, I was thinking that I'm effin 27 now, petty matters are beneath me. I could run if I got harassed (worst case scenario, but after a short walk this evening I'm glad nothing ever happened to me, cz my stamina is like super bad nowadays.) I made new friends, and started conversations. I believe that if I ever want to survive this, heck, swipe all the introvertness aside and start over on a new leaf.

I wanted cendol so bad. I wanted cendol and I can't drive.

I texted Zaidi.
(I've only had meet him once. During the GEMA mencandat sotong event. And maybe we did crossed paths when he used to study in Bangalore. But that's it! He's actually a total stranger. But yeah, Keon wanted cendol so...haha)

Zaidi told me that there's this cendol place which sometimes is open, sometimes closed behind the hospital compound. It wasn't that far, he said. He lied. Lol to my standards it's far, okay.

I was totally catching my breath walking to the so called stall. Which happened to be, fml, not there today. Selayang is a hilly area, everywhere is going uphill. Heck my stamina is so down! Or maybe it's because I've aged? I envy those who still could hike to mountaintops and whatnot.

After some Indian style road crossing, we went off to buy sugarcane drink (mine. Upside of this, it's been a long time since I had sugarcane drink yay!) Zaidi bought coconut shake. And we went back to the hostel. Haha.

Shortly after, Zaidi told me he's going out to have dinner with his friend. Me, without any hesitations invited myself along. I thought we were going to a nearby place. I was in my sweater and look totally like a homeless person. While in the car they decided to go to Midvalley omg haha, to this Killer Gourmet Burger restaurant. The food's all good, if not for my suppressed appetite (still craving for cendol, not some chicken burger, lol.) Our conversations hovered around medical stuff, it's fun to listen to the staffs' antics and the drama drama drama haha trust me the hospital is like bursting with drama. These people make me feel that housemanship isn't as bad as people usually pictured it, tho the two of them are both true blue Jonahs haha. We went back after eating and that's it. That's a doctor's life all in all.

So yeah, I'm still gonna ask Zaidi to for my cendol treat cz he accidentally cheated me into some evening exercise lol.

The end, hope your day and mine will get better as time goes by!

Before this is getting cheezier,
Assalamualaykum and peace out. :)

Biarkan

Antara tidur dan jaga
Adalah sebuah penyatuan jiwa
Aku dan bayanganmu
Menyusup ke dalam lena
Aku tak peduli
Ini bukan realiti
Biarkan,
Biarkan aku bermimpi.

Baharu

Kala ini, kehidupanmu baru saja bermula.

Ya.

Buka matamu. Kedip-kedipkan. Lihat, dengar, hidu alam sekelilingmu.

Segala masa lalu seperti suatu ingatan asing yang melontar alunan ke perdu memori. Bergema, terkenang jangan sekali.

Hari ini kau menjadi Baharu. Langit biru, KLCC memacu, bunyi-bunyi alam dan enjin berlagu-lagu. Ke atas lagi. Ke hadapan lagi.

Mengingati kenangan pahit adalah dosa yang kering di tampuk kebersamaan. Cemburu? Biarkan. Hari ini kau angkuh! Kau, kukuh! Berlalu saja pergi kamu, berlalu bagai air.

Kau takkan bisa mampir, apa lagi mengikir.

Pergi.

Aku ke hadapan, kau ke kiri.

Aku tak mahu.

Aku Baharu.

Matahari

Aku berlari, meluru kepada matahari yang memanas
Ia tidak pernah memanggil namamu
Namun kau tetap menujunya
Mendambakan hangatnya
Tanpa kau sedar dirimu terbakar sama

Dia dikenali, pembakar diri
Entah bodoh atau berani
Tiada yang peduli
Yang menoleh, sepi

Kutiplah abu sendiri, kutiplah
Dan basahkan dengan embun pagi paling dingin
Darinya kau binakan tugu
Dirimu yang tak putus-putus membina hati
Setiap kalinya, menetaskan diri barumu yang lebih lagi
Lebih lagi tidak percaya

Pada matahari, direnungnya
Lantaran apa
Kegilaanku padamu tak menipis
Meski musim makin mengikis
Usia, dan kudrat yang terhabis

Entah.

Mungkin mengharap di setiap kelahiran semula
Menjadi lebih dewasa
Dan lentur hatinya dengan drama dan rama

Ah, aku terlalu mudah jatuh cinta.
Tapi engkau tetap Matahariku.