Kita

"Kau pergi sana dengan siapa?"
"Diri sendiri."

"Kau tengok wayang itu hari dengan siapa?"
"Diri sendiri."

"Macam mana kau boleh ingat jalan? Kau bukan baru pandai drive ke?"
"Aku kena selamatkan diri sendiri."

Diriku,
Kita senantiasa ada kita.

Move

I want to live properly, and fully.

I feel like these days, I'm doing things half-heartedly, if not heartlessly. I do things cz it needs to get done, and I just happen to be there. I feel unfortunate, I feel unimpressed, I constantly get comments that I don't do my work properly like it's supposed to be done. Like there was something wrong with me. Something is off, something is not right. And I fell for it. I started to believe that I'm really stupid and incompetent, and slow and unreliable.  Working long hours, spending so much time on charting. I blame it on time, I blame it on age, I blame it on the geniuses minds that I was not born with.

I need to take a deep breath, and rethink.

I need to count my blessings.

I need to stop cursing all the things under the sun.

I need to say things that only need to be said.

I need to stop hurting the ones I love.

I need to expand my heart, and grow a lil vine of care.

I need to stop being so childish.

I need to stop believing that I can't do things, and learn. And have the will to learn.

I need to wake up, and get up.

Now.

Overwhelmed

Today is the second day in a row, where I face death.
Yesterday I did CPR for the first time throughout my housemanship. Yeah, my anti-jonahness is really running out in this dept. (Malaysian medicos lingo: Being Jonah means u have bad luck. Like an omen. Lol. I know I shouldn't actually laugh but doctors have a really dry sense of humour, so to speak.) The uncle was in and out through it all. He couldn't maintain his pulse without our CPR. After 30 mins, we call it quits. And let the uncle rest in peace. And my left eye muscle is twitching outta lethargy.

Today morning, it was my first time in charge of the coronary care unit. Filled with unstable, very ill, tend to collapse at any time patients. 8 beds in all. And this one uncle just screamed when he saw me.
"Doktor!! Tolong saya doktor!!!"
I attended to him, steths flailing around my neck. He felt breathless, he said. Kept shouting and not even trying to breathe. Checked his lungs, reduced air entry. But his lungs already shown cancer signs, so it's expected. I asked him to calm down, breathe in and stop trying to speak. His breathing normalizes for mere seconds. Then he shouted again.
The nurse outside hinting me to come out of his room. Then she told me he's been liddat since admission. We tried to increase his oxygenation, but he refused to wear the face mask. "Doktor jangan tunjuk muka, dia memang nak ada orang dengan dia sepanjang masa." I felt a tad bit bad for him, cz I would've feel the same if I'm at his place. In the afternoon, while our team are actually discussing with his family whether to give active resuscitation should he fell into collapse or not, he actually collapsed.
"Doktor, patient unresponsive!"
My MO hit my arm, "Dik u pegi dulu cpr, i setelkan family!" I jumped from my seat into the patient's room. The male nurse was on the patient, trying. I looked into the patient's eye.
"Dah tak ada tu bang. Fixed dilated."
"Takpe dr family belum bagi kata putus."
Glassy eyes staring at me like a pair of doom filled beads. My MO came in rushing. "Sudah. Mereka kata NAR."

The male nurse looked at me. "Tadi dia sempat mengucap."

Both times, the same thought crossed my mind. How will I end mine? Will I have the ability to remember God? Will He allow me to end with His name on my dire lips?

I am so out of touch with my spirits lately. I am soulless casket, filled to the brim with misery.

It took 2 deaths to shook me.
And bring me to Allah.

Oh Lord, Master of this meager world, Master of me,

End me with Your name.

Pelarian

Aku memerdekakan engkau dari persahabatan yang kian tempang-
Kata engkau
Sedang aku terasa malang
Dirudum sangka yang entah-entah
Kata akhir kita adalah sebuah bisu yang terempang-
Merungkai tangis yang selalu mengejutkan aku di tengah malam
Bingkai-bingkai yang rapuh
Yang ku warnakan gangsa, perlahan
Mengapa harus rentan

Sejiwa jarang tertemukan
Sekata malap-malap di persiaran
Orang bilang kita aneh sekali
Gembira aku diselimuti
Direntap habis aku tak bangkit mandiri

Magis berbalas tiada
Di kejauhan ada satu jeda
Diam, pedih
Sampai bila

Senyum aku lihat kau bahagia
Terasa ingin senyummu menguntum sama.

Emas Melilit

Tidak betah selalu
Berada di luar garisan
Putus syukur
Tirai terhancur

Mana pergi tali temali
Yang mengalunkan luka
Ruang ini sepi sekali
Tiada langit cemburu pakai

Melatah di pintu durja, jangan
Sering dilaungkan yang bukan-bukan
Bukan salahmu terlihat selalu
Hati membatu tuduh melulu

Dalam kayangan tersemayam tinggi
Aksara ini
Melilit kepala puisi
Dengan permata paling kilaunya
Meracun sukma membuta angsana

Sungkur
Belum ditemu kita noktah teraju.

Hei, Engkau

Membeza-beza asbab dan santun
Bukanlah kita

Belumlah tertera semula
Jahitan tulang belut di hati

Apakah akan terlalu lagi
Atau selamanya sepi

Kawan
Ingat-ingatku padamu
Selamanya tinggi

Janganlah engkau bersalah sangka padaku

Takkan aku meminta lebih
Dari jiwa yang perih
Selain setitis redhamu.

Secebis Hormat Di Muka Pintu

Ungkit dan pamit
Silih berganti
Kehabisan bicara ditelan
Pahit

Tiadakah simpatimu sekelumit

Cuma secebis pinta
Untuk disanggulkan cinta
Di pemula hidup selama-lama

Baharu,
Yang tertinggal kan kelu.

Maaf,
Ini bukan persinggahanku.