Mundane Crumblin'

Aku berubah hari ini untuk Kamu...

Out of all places, I feel like writing in a karaoke room. While my friend is singing to Faizal Tahir's Assalamualaikum.

While I recall all the words you spoke to me,

I'm at the laundry. To launder all my dirty laundry is a task I wish I can skip. Like how I wish I can skip certain decisions and certain points of my life.

Life is a mundane place. And from mundane places you can find its beauty.

There's beauty in silence.
There's beauty in the chipped paint of a wall.
There's beauty in pain.
There's beauty in everything you put your eyes upon, if you are willing to tilt your usual boring angle of looking

Well when you go, so never think I'll make you try to stay.

When you go, would you even turn to say, I don't love you, like I did yesterday?

Puisiku

Engkau, bukan pembaca puisi di tengah malam untukku
Membuai aku dengan kata-kata indah hingga aku goyah
Menggawang rasa di langit masa dengan untaian sabda meredah
Tidak,
Kau bukan, sama sekali bukan

Tapi di setiap manis senyum yang tergores
Aku terhiris
Dan terus engkau, menjadi kata dalam puisi aku yang terguris.

Engkau bukanlah pembaca puisiku
Engkau, adalah bait-bait mimpi indahku
Engkau, adalah pemakna lantera setiap puisi aku, kala ini.

Adakala kedengaran sedikit tragis, direntakkan tangis yang tersorok-sorok dalam kaca magis

Keberadaan engkau sudah cukup kali ini, puisiku.

Keeping It In

I tried to find out why I tend to breakdown at weird timings.

The times when I'm all chill, nothing much to be done.

The times when I look out the window in silence.

Maybe I'm a suppressor. I bottled things inside me. Of all my curses and angry tweets, there's more to it.

They leaked, sometimes. My seal of silence.

I just want someone to talk to, comfortably.

I just miss you.

Lari

Aku memandang mega di langit
Pintalan yang berupa naga; matanya persis matamu
Yang selalu bergemintang dan tersenyum manis sekali
Pintaku ingin lari, tapi di kebiruan engkau di ingatan.

Aku mohon pada Tuhan diselamatkan dari kemahuan yang entah-entah
Dan gundah sunyi yang membawa padah
Tapi sayang,
Engkau tiba
Apa rahmat atau antah
Gusar
Aku resah

Satu purnama berlepas pergi; ibuku bertanya
Kini aku tak yakin lagi
Berbalas kata; ini biasa-biasa

Lepaskanku, hati
Kau, tak bisa kecewa lagi
Di setiap jatuh hatiku menari
Di setiap kembang bunga, hatiku sunyi
Memamah ratah dagingnya sendiri

Buangkan, jika ini bukan
Hapuskan
Aku lelah berperang perasaan.

Lirikan

Sangsi ini mengguris
Hela sendu terhiris

Tersesak-sesak menahan tangis
Di sekalian ramai
Kau berahsia denganku
Sehingga kita sampai

Apa yang kau harap dariku
Apa ku harap dari iringmu.

A Tribute, To The Broken Hearted

I am free, I am trapped above.
I know how to flee, I don't believe in love.

I, am The Broken Hearted.

In my eyes, everything has two sides.
A cunning to a smile
A lullaby to a lie
A sweetness in a fist
A puncture to the death.

I, know no mercy

For mercy always comes with expecting
A hug for a kiss
Heavy rain for a bliss
We're all mistaken! A mess!
Perfect places, we fooled ourselves with
An illusion you never missed.

Oh Broken Hearted, you are Reborn.
You saw the part where everyone don't see
You think too far when tomorrow hasn't break free
Why, oh why
You are damned
You are cursed!

You, will never be loved.

For all stones can be soften by waters.
For all waters can be chilled to ice

You, will never suffice.

A friend to you will always leave.
A love to you will always fade.

You, are never great.

The hardness of stone compiled you. Compressed you.

Till the night show you mercy and take your soul
Your broken heart will never get old.

Oh weary soul, poor, tired soul,

Do you wanna spend the ages in foul?

Wake up, Heart.

Stop being so broken.

You are mended. You, can see,

that That smile, means everything to me.

See? That wasn't so hard.

The Moment With Self.

Take a deep breath.

In, hold it in. Release.

No, I don't mean for you to release your tears. Hold it in. Oh, one escaped. Hold the others in. Fine. Come on out. All out. Let's have a party outside.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

I don't know who to tell, or what to think. Or what's really bothering me.

I feel underappreciated, I feel unloved. I feel all the things I'm not supposed to feel, cz I know there are people who cared. All the people who made effort but I pushed them away. The people who hated to know that I'm breaking. That I tried hard to keep a straight face, if not smiling. Smiling is an effort, laughing is a blessing. I am thankful, thankful, I am grateful. I am whole. I can be better than this. I am not this girl in this reflection. I am not this fragile broken unhappy lonely woman. I am not.

I am tired of pretending that I am not.

I am.

I am the most ungrateful person in the world, and I failed people around me.

.

I am truly sorry for being this version of me. I am sorry to all the people I've made lives miserable. I am sorry for being such a slowpoke. I am sorry that I'm such a clutterbrain, clumsy some more. I am sorry my face wasn't a smiley face. I am sorry that I couldn't drive,  I am sorry for being emotional at times, I am sorry for my big appetite. I am sorry that I couldn't keep my tears in, self, I am sorry to breakdown today.

This life has so much to offer.

I am not one of it.