Lain

Kerana aku adalah ombak yang diurai-urai  di pesisir pantai
Dan dikembalikan untuk bersatu dengan lazulinya sang samudera
Kerana aku adalah pecah-pecah cahaya kala mata terpandang terus ke suria
Cuma untuk kembali jernih menghambur kabur beberapa minit kemudiannya
Kerana aku adalah kepingan daun-daun kering pancawarna yang gugur
Untuk bersama permaidani jingga, kuning, merah, menyelimuti tanah.

Aku adalah aku, yang penuh retak dan tidak akan sesekalinya sempurna.
Namun keanehan seorang aku mungkin saja cantik dan bermakna di sesuatu detik dan sudut yang tak ketahuan oleh kita.

Kanta Salah

Di setiap segenap-segenap
Titik dan tanda dicerap-cerap
Mencari nista mencari cela
Menilik zarah mengaburi tinta

Langkah kuda-kudanya semakin pasak
Yang dihadapnya semakin masak

Sampai bila dikambus dusta
Sampai bersepai punah dunia?

Sisi

"Saat yang bahagia, datang sekejap saja..."

Bila kau rasa kau kenal seseorang, tapi sebenarnya tidak, kau tidak kenali dia.

Seorang manusia itu kompleks. Umpama cermin di House of Mirrors di sesebuah fun fair. Berbagai sisi. Berbagai posisi. Dan ia boleh pilih, sisi mana yang mau ditunjukkan padamu. Sampai satu ketika cermin itu pecah, dan tiba-tiba kau terkedu melihat sisi lainnya insan itu. Baru kau tahu.

Baru kau tahu.

Aku, sudah biasa melihat keadaan ini. Tapi kamu, aku harapkan bukan begitu. Tapi kamu, tetap manusia biasa cuma. Bukan dunia ini tak adil. Dunia ini sudah cukup adil. Cuma kita yang tersurat begini, dan aku harus belajar menerima. Lantas menzahirkan hari-hari baru yang lebih baik buat aku dan kamu.

Di akhir-akhir Ramadhan ini, aku doakan kita menjadi lebih bersih jiwa dan fitrahnya setelah tahu dan kenal sisi berdebu semasingnya.

Suatu Kebodohan

Adalah aku
Yang mencinta membuta tuli
Dan berdegil sekeras hati
Dan nasihat kulempar tepi
Yang seolah tiada mati kan mampiri

Tapi
Adalah aku jua yang remuk kembali
Pabila fakta jatuh hujani
Dan kelabu bertukar gelita
Dan tiada maaf tersisa

Hey, si bodoh!
Toleh ke belakang, usah lagi.

Lihat ke depan
Lihat ke depan
Kau lebih berharga dari ini.

Unwell

It's a push and pull thing, this is-
Your courage push yourself up from whatever you're lying upon,
But your heavy sickness and high temperature brought you down again,
And you could only hope that with some big, big tablets and some tea,
The heaviness will go away, replaced by clarity.
Just like a Spirit-magicker longs for a Strigoi's sharpness.

Haha I am babbling more than I should. Hence the Vampire Academy reference. I wonder if the off day from the skin OPD had done me any good today, all I got is extra anxiety and nightmares after reading The Girl On The Train.

Allahumma ishfi shifa'an la yughadiru saqama. Ameen.

Pencuri Bahasa

Pencuri bahasa
Melanyak imejnya
Merentap santunnya
Memijak jatinya

Ia pun terlayar di ruang tak dimahukan siapa-siapa
Ke tepi ke tengahlah ia
Ditolak-tarik sesuka yang punya bahasa

Katanya bahasa memapar budi
Tapi kenapa yang malah miliki
Terus menampar ia dari tepi
Terlantun teroleng di laut masin
Air tawar semakin miskin

Pencipta bahasa, harap ia,
Mengapa nasib ia begini?
Terus-terus menadah telapak
Kaki tiada tempat bertapak

Terjaga terus oleh sang ombak.

Towards the end of the Casualty duty

I've been posted to the casualty department of Chitageri Govt Hospital since the last 15th, and this was the posting that I dread the most. I lost 3 kgs prior to it cz I was thinking obsessively too much. So on the first day it is decided that I shall do 8 days of day duty (8am-2pm) and 8 days of night duty (8pm-8am) alone, all by myself. *plays All By Myself in the background*

For the day duty it was okay eventho at times it'll get like really super busy, esp when the cases are medicolegal cases in which I have to record the occurence precisely while checking the patient's vitals and decide to which dept I should refer this case to and at the same time write in the mlc register and police intimation book. Goodness me. The first day there was a mass casualty of road traffic accident involving 12 people and I was basically running here and there to complete all the things that I needed to do plus the earful of complaints from the patients and the attenders that I was working wayyy too slow. People, I don't have centipede hands. Like seriously. Even a centipede would have trouble doing all these alone. Alhamdulillah the CMO (casualty medical officer) that day was very helpful and helped me with the registers, too. Nearing afternoon some of my friends came to help with this and that, and nothing but thank you could slip from my mouth again and again. I still feel so grateful that they're nearly always there for the rest of the 7 days of my day duty. 

Then comes night duty. Everyone was aghasted that this malaysian girl who knows only a bit of Kannada language was posted alone for 8 days. However the night duty nurses are very friendly and helpful, and the CMOs who were on night duty were, too, alhamdulillah. Only twice my friends came by for like two hours to see how I'm doing and helped, the rest of the nights I managed alone. I didn't sleep at all during my duty, I'll cover my sleep after I went back to my room in the morning. For the last two days the CMOs were so impressed that I could managed alone (cz last two nights were the busiest since my night duties ever. I even ate for sahur in between of checking patient's blood pressure) that they shaked hands wimme in the morning saying they're proud of me. Well, to say the least, I wasn't at all, and I couldn't have managed it without the help of the nurses, and most of all the strength in me is only from Allah. Plus I just had a bike fall two days back too, where my left shoulder feel like bursting all the time and my hands tremble everytime I squeezed the air in the ancient sphygmomanometer. It really wasn't me. It was Allah's blessing that I really could still work and breathe.

Amongst the popular cases during my casualty duty are insecticide poisoning (self poisoning, suicidal attempt) and assault cases, besides the occasional snake bites and road accidents. I really can't help feeling annoyed sometimes at the rate where the poisoning cases are coming to the casualty. But I need to remember that I don't know what the person had been through that lead them to depression and drank poison, so I have to treat them equally to be fair. Really tested my temperaments. Some cases that I'll remember for a lifetime is a large bull gore injury, I think the lady's liver was torn also. The wound was so big I couldn't believe my eyes. And then there's a case of road accident where the skin of the man's left thigh was totally stripped off along with some muscles, ergh. The blood from the leg alone is about a bucketful. There was one self inflicted injury too where the man tried to slit his own throat by a big knife and the family found him bleeding in the morning. The guy only slitted his skin, tho. I guess he must've whited out seeing the pool of blood or maybe he was evaluating his life and then he thought, eh, living wasn't so bad tho so he doesnt continue up to his windpipe or something. Gory. Last two nights I saw a case where the guy cut his whole forearm (multiple cuts) under the influence of alcohol. And he was really irritable he nearly hit me. Crazy.

So! Tonight's the last night of my duty and I hope it'll go well, ameen. Finally I am finishing this lonely and eventful duty! I couldn't even believe myself, but I did. Thank you Allah. Thank You . I rely most on You during these hard times, and I guess that's what Ramadhan is supposedly to be about. To have complete reliance on Allah without expecting anything from others. I feel like my relationship with my friends had also improved, alhamdulillah. My support system. I so love you guys till we're old and wrinkly.

Now I gotta get ready.

Till then!

Assalamualaykum. :)