Escapade

"I got my ticket on the long way round."

Because sometimes, you just need an outlet from you-dont-know-what. I dont know what's bugging me but I really felt bothered and depressed for the last few weeks. The only logical explaination is that I'm suffering from a bad emotional rollercoaster of PMS, and a really bad one I'm at the brink of questioning my mere existence.

I need people who can say I have seen you at your worst states and I love you anyway. I dont have many to be counted on that, I bet most just dont even care whether I'm alive or not. Truth be told I'm not that likable. I like to keep to myself at times and suddenly become hyperactive and talkative at another, so I guess the hard-to-predict nature just drove people away from me.

Anyhow, I just read on twitter this morning a quote by Yasmin Mogahed, "to be seen as good/beautiful from afar is easier than up close." Somehow it hit me hard cz I always feel that I dont treat my family well enough. I mean me and my siblings, me and my parents... And my mom and I especially. My mom has this way of talking that I easily feel that she's my friend, but sometimes I went overboard. I've listened to the way other people speak to their moms and it was nothing like the conversations between me and my ummi. They're more...how can I put it...reserved, and there's a loud tone of respect where you know, just by listening to it, that there's a line that you cannot cross. Its not that way between me and my ummi, we laughed and joked about everything and the way ummi told about her friends are like they're my friends too (but this is half true, I used to follow ummi around back home and most aunties knows me well anyway.) Maybe thats why my siblings felt that I'm way older than them, and they cant really relate to me in most things cz I spent time with ummi and makciks like a lot.

So, yeah. I need to improve myself on that.

So today I'll be scaling the Bangalore roads and malls, just to see the world. Maybe I need this. I'm really not the type to sit and stay in a place for too long anyway, and maybe that's why I feel that Davangere is driving me crazy. I'm my mother's daughter anyway, who couldnt stay still in one place more than three consecutive days lol.

So there! I used 'so' a lot.

Assalamualaykum and have a nice weekend!

Hilang

Berlari ke kota
Kerana unggas di hutan terlampau bingit
Sudah
Berhentilah teriakmu
Disesakkan bunyi hon dan sedu sedan sang pengemis jalanan

Sehari cuma yang kupinta
Pergilah segala kebingitanmu di telingaku
Aku bimbang ia sampai saja di hatiku
Terus melumpuhkan jasad dan kelenjar sedihku

Pergi dan nyah kau
Walaupun hanya sehari, cuma.

#NowReading Hard Times - Charles Dickens

"When from thy boiling store, thou shalt fill each jar brim full by-and-by, dost thou think that thou wilt always kill outright the robber Fancy lurking within--or sometimes only maim him and distort him!"

Such a harsh start for the first two chapters of Dicken's. It is one of the less popular volumes, Hard Times is. And it told about killing children imagination and desires in the second chapter. Though it sounds very depressing, I feel compelled to continue reading about Mr. Gradgrinds and his hard life.

All the excitement when I should study OBG now! I wish I can have the same hope with OBG, where I can still stay reading eventhough the start is all so boring.

Merdeka ke-56, Negaraku

Merdekakah kita?

Jika bahasa asing masih disanjung tinggi, bahasa sendiri dianggap kelas kedua?

Merdekakah kita?

Jika berjalan di tengah kota tas tangan dipeluk erat, takut-takut dikebas peragut penjahat?

Merdekakah kita?

Jika anak muda memuja-muja artis korea dan barat, industri seni negara dicemuh merempat?

Merdekakah kita?

Tika masih ramai meminta belas ihsan, anak sakit kos tak tertanggungkan, merdeka kewangan, oh hanya impian,

Merdekakah kita?

Kala ramai anak muda ramai melepak tak ketentuan, memadu asmara sehingga lahirnya anak zina, lantaran nafsu tak terkawalkan, akhirnya institusi pendidikan yang disalahkan pincang,

Merdekakah kita?
Merdekakah jiwa?
Merdekakah suara?
Merdekakah aliran tunai?
Merdekakah?

Dan untuk kau tahu apa erti merdeka itu--
Merdeka hanya pabila diri menjadi hamba,
Hamba Yang Esa dan tak tunduk pada selainnya.

Necessity

There's nothing I need most in this world, other than bidding to my Creator's command and to be loved by Him. Indeed Allah is the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Forgive me ya Rabb :'(

Di mana aku di hujung pena.

Tips-tips mengarang yang baru saja aku baca tadi di blog Puan Nisah Haron, membuka mataku kepada bidang penulisan. Ya, aku sememangnya berminat dengan bidang ini, sedari sekolah rendah lagi. Tapi hasil kerjaku terhad kepada tugasan yang diberikan cikgu, karangan suka-suka yang diberikan tajuk oleh ayah, pertandingan menulis esei, dan puisi-puisi dalam lembaran buku conteng yang saban tahun aku humbankan ke dalam tong sampah. Selepas aku baca artikel itu tadi dan menganalisa tempat berpijak aku di tanah penulisan ini, kulihat kesan yang aku tinggalkan seakan-akan tiada. Kerana aku malas. Menulis bila disuruh dan menulis secara persendirian itu lain. Melihatkan pergerakan tulisan aku di blog ini pun, tak berdisiplin, sebulan cuma ada satu tak pun dua, itupun dengan gaya bahasa yang mampu menumpahkan air mata geram jika dibaca penulis hebat seperti Puan Nisah Haron tadi. (Puan Nisah terkenal dengan ketidak betahannya terhadap gaya bahasa pasar.)

Seorang penulis yang bagus perlukan disiplin. Sehari paling tidak peruntukan waktu setengah jam untuk menulis. Tak kiralah merangka idea, atau menyunting karya. Komited. Kerana tak ada karya hebat yang terhasil tanpa disiplin yang baik.

Perlu banyak membaca, banyak sumber ilham dari pembacaan, pergaulan dan pengembaraan. Tak boleh beri alasan macam-macam, kerana ini bidang profesional.

Ya aku sangatlah jauh ke belakang :'(

Tak kisahlah, tapi aku harap minat aku yang satu ini tak terkubur begitu saja di celah-celah buku teks perubatan.

Salam alayk!

Tak Bisakah - Peterpan

Hatiku bimbang namun tetap pikirkanmu
Selalu, kau di dalam hatiku
Ku berjalan sejauh apa pun itu
Selalu, kau di dalam hatiku

Ku berjalan, berjalan memutar waktu
Berharap, temukan sisa hatimu
Mengertilah, ku ingin engkau begitu
Mengerti, kau di dalam hatiku

Tak bisakah kau menungguku,
Hingga nanti tetap menunggu?
Tak bisakah kau menuntunku,
Menemani dalam hidupku?