Gugurnya Hatiku Di Esak Sunyi.

Detak hari ini

Direnggut sepi matahari baharu

Belum puaspun kuladeni, gerak kecilmu.

Tirai langit sudah tenggelam

Mataku belum mahu padam

Sekonyong-konyong rasa yang bergentayangan, mahu kukait, rapi

Susunkan ia dalam lipatan

Ingat-ingatku dalam rasa yang terjelepuk

Meski cuma, kala diam memandang angin.

Tidak akan hilang di lerek masa kita

Cuma entah bila, akan ku terbiasa.

Anak,

Bonda pasti selalu rindu.

Selerak

 Pesisir pantai berdiam

Menyatu dengan langit

Perang terang, kelam sirna tenggelam

Baharu, baharu

Kemana perginya luka, kalau bukan hatiku

Disapu kikis halus pasir

Rintih lelas terkikir

Air mata bungkam jatuh, ditelan ribuan rona perang, disambut desir

Ingatanku murni untuk siapa

Merobek ikhlas dalam sekemelut luas

Hampa bertabur dalam pulasan kertas, carik tertetas

Terlalu banyak aturanmu, terlalu

Jiwaku pecah jiwaku, senduku malu

Berhempas jatuh kukaup seluruhku.

Sinar Di Celah Ribut

Assalamualaykum belogku.

Hahahaha. Terakhir jemari menari di atas papan kekunci melorekkan kata-kata di dinding belog adalah 3 tahun yang lalu. Terlalu banyak drama dan hama, tak kurang yang fauna dan melata.

Baru-baru ini, terkesan dari pelbagai isu yang bertimpa-timpa (jika kucoret sebagai A Series of Unfortunate Events, terasa keterlaluan. Tetapi! Kita raikan ujian ya.) Tak mampu mempersembahkan bahasa yang lebih mulus rasanya setelah terlalu lama...tapi bila menulis gaya begini, terasa seperti warga veteran (padahal usia baru mencecah tiga puluh enam tanggal 28 Oktober yang lalu.) Ah, aku kan "old soul". Bahasa saintifiknya autisma hahaha...tak aku tak bergurau.

Siapa yang menjerkah jiwa untuk menulis kembali?

Tak lain tak bukan rakan baik selama-lama, Syed haha. Syed tak buat apa-apa pun. Dia cuma kongsikan hebahan pertandingan menulis anekdot anjuran DBP. Aku tak sempat menghantar penyertaan. Dia juga hantarkan pada saat-saat akhir........dan menang! Ya Allah. I'm so proud of you...at the same time a lil bit jealous? Tapi cepat-cepat beristighfar, nanti tak pasal-pasal Syed terkena penyakit 'ain. Lol

Sekadar update pencapaian hidup di bulan November (atau mungkin hanya kejadian lampau, tak ada yang boleh diangkat untuk kebanggaan,):

1. Selamat melahirkan anak kedua, puteriku Ayani Aqwa pada bulan Februari.

2. Dilantik sebagai MO core Child and Adolescent Psychiatry pada bulan Oktober. ( I guess there's a compliment there somewhere.....but maybe they just ran out of people to man the show)

3. Menerima ketibaan dua orang anak buah dari adik-adikku, kedua-duanya puteri.

4. Mempersiapkan diri menghadapi peperiksaan MEDEX pada 12 November ini.

Sekarang...cuba teka aku mahu lari dari ribut yang mana? :)

Jika masih kepalaku berlari,

Jemari tetap akan menari kembali.

Belum cukup sulit untuk kukarang puisi...

Tapi ah! Garis masa selalu menipu.

Yang telah bertambah usia dan jarang-jarang sepi,

Keon.

(Segamit diam, anak-anak dibawa berjalan-jalan oleh sang suami. And my attention span betrayed me. Sepatutnya teruskan study)

The Mundane, Important Shiz and Everything In Between

 Hello.

It's been ages. Yeah, I've aged alright. Whatever ideals I had some years back, most of em I've chucked away for good. We could never achieve perfection, yet we strive for it, cz insaan originates from Heaven, and only in Heaven things are at par to what we've all wanted.

Enough babbling.

It's another Johor Cuti Peristiwa Terkejut again. This time for ace-ing at Sukma Games.

There's 2 sides of a coin to it though.

The good part of it, is well, it's hari cuti alright. No need to wake up and straight away run my mind through the usual 3 things - making le beloved son's bekal, pack his clothes for the day and iron my own clothes. 

But I have work due, admin stuff that need to be submitted today, so after running my thermomix for a quick nasi goreng, I've gotten on it, leaving H behind to cope with the little tyke. He managed to give him some breakfast (most of it went to the floor) and bathed him. In the middle I have to pick up the broom and sweep the horrors away. And continued with my work. Suddenly it's already 12pm.

I felt so tired of my constant running thoughts sometimes I felt like taking sumthin to shut it all up. I felt inadequate seeing all the other career woman juggling their life seamlessly. I told myself again and again that nobody's perfect and I'm doing the best I can but yeah, I'm exhausted.

There's a reason I'd rather not go through therapy if you'd suggested it to me now.

We'll see...

I've got to mop the floor now.

Later,

Keonce.

This had been nice.

44

 Ada hari-hari tertentunya yang damai begini-

Mega mendung

Sunyi menghurung

Anak lena di tampuk senyum. 

Berlalulah murung

Jangan engkau berani berkunjung-

Aku mahu selalu damai, begini.

Pengamen

Bibirnya masih berbau sigup

Usai minta-minta hirup tadi malam

Berjualan untuk hidup-

Mencopet juga untuk hidup

Segalanya, untuk hidup

Tapi hidup, untuk apa?

Diperlekeh sehabis usia

Lahirnya tak bertanda nama.

Days, or Weeks

In a few days, or weeks,

I shall held you in my arms

Calm and embracing

Soft and nurturing

For you, is half of me,

Sayang.

In a few days, or weeks,

we'll tread the journey

untested and unknowing

I'll be your best bud

and you'll be our precious gem.

For years to come

I wouldn't know what's in store

Or how our lives be severed

But our souls- will remain entwined

till the gates of heavens reunites us.

A blessing, a gift, my hadiah, my precious heart and soul.

I would never known anything

Before you came along.

May Allah keep us safe-

in a few more days, or weeks, to come.

In A Matter of 10 Years

Who are you, in 10 years.

What do you know. What you'd expect?

I came across a chat saved in my email between me and my high school friend, dated in 2010.

I'd rather call that year my Dark Age.

The manner of speaking is so unlike me nowadays, so childish and depressed (cz I just got out of a toxic relationship), yet so optimistic. It's an irony since it'd been ages I've spoken to him. He's kinda avoided me, and all of our other schoolmates, for reasons God knows what.

And 10 years later, I've been struggling with a different kind of hell.

Even after all that I've been through,

Going through the chat history made me realized that no matter how shitty and down I may feel,

Allah always have a way to turn it around.

So have some faith, shall we?

- 10 days towards Ramadhan,

Khairun.

Kau Membunuhku Dengan Senyum

Seukir senyum 

Terpahat langsung dengan tangan berdarah

Menghujam rakus ke kalbu pasrah.

Telinga tak mendengar lagi

Baris-baris hakikat

Mata tak melihat lagi

Tiap asa terlumat

Terkumal habis di bawah gebar, terenyuk kumat.

Apa lagi erti berdiri

Jika jasad kelihatannya ampuh, tegal

Tapi jiwanya rapuh, bersepai sepai.

Aku tidak meminta secebis ihsan

Cuma sekelumit kasihan

Bukan kasih tapi sekadar tahan.

Jalan ini sepi sekali

Anjing pun malu mengongoi hampa.

Keretapi Laju

Tunggu, jangan laju terlalu, bilang masa

setiap satu belum sempat dilarikkan

di atas kekunci tua keras, satu-satu aksara tempias.

Acara-acara bertimpa-timpa

Irama keretapi lama.

Setiap saat adalah titisan doa

Untuk keluar dari rentak-rentak melodrama

Meladeni kesedihan di celah-celah sibuk pandu lalu-

Terlalu, berat terlalu.

Breakdowns

Now and then I'll be having episodes of breakdown

Where my imperfections be eating at my very soul and convinced me that I wasn't good enough for anything- damn I hate the feeling

As I struggled with life adjustments, sometimes I wonder if I make rash decisions- starting a family, juggling work and housechores, further my studies. When I look around, it seems like everybody else is doing it so seamlessly, no sweat. While I'm always struggling. And becoming more paranoid each day.

Sometimes I counted the number of days I wasn't feeling okay, and reassured myself that it hasn't reach 14 days yet. And I think I have nobody to talk to, since I'd hate to burden people with things on my mind which seems like a second nature to everybody else.

Maybe I need professional help.

And I'm pursuing Psychiatry. How ironic, innit.

Ramadhan 1st, 1441H

Bismillah.

This is the first Ramadhan for me, after I got married.
Ramadhan is always coming (even more reminded each time I opened Naja's blog, lol) and alhamdulillah I'm able to reach Ramadhan again, this year.
Too much has happened and too many feelings, sometimes I'm confused of what to call my current feeling is.

The dusk of Ramadhan the 1st this year, I did my tarawih alone, cz of the RMO and H was too tired from his dayjob. He ended up doing his tarawih at the wee hours of 2 am. But we managed to get sahur together, just a small affair, and I'm glad to learn that he shares the same values for sahur as mine, as in he appreciates sahur as a blessing and it is a practicable sunnah to take sahur late. After the subuh prayers, we didn't know what else to do other than him watching his anime, planning desserts for berbuka (apparently I'm in for an Egyptian treat tonight) and me, finally finding the time to really read Senandika by Lutfi Ishak.

Let me share some of my favourite excerpts from Senandika.

i. apakah aku pengembara, mencari cabaran di tanah baru
atau pemburu, menjejak hening paling murni? atau seorang
pemimpi, jarang menemui kebeningan dalam tidurnya --
kau tahu, seorang budiman bermimpi menjadi rama-rama
tika bangun, diakah rama-rama yang lena?
di tanah jauh ini, aku sering tersesat di dalam mimpi bingit
tika sedar, apakah aku betul-betul jaga?

kuhargai sihat kerana maklum erti sakit, tapi
apakah bingit, kalaku tidak tahu makna sunyi?

ii. kata-kata lebih abadi, sepanjang perjalanan
cukup aksara. sekeping gambar, potret ribuan erti
tanpa aksara, sekeping gambar
bagai pengetahuan tanpa budi.

I also noticed Mr Lutfi seems to really took a liking to the word 'senapati'. It's included in every other poem in this piece. I wish I can discuss this piece with someone later on. It's interesting to read his un-themed antology, after reading Dondang Pembukaan which is a beautiful, majestic planned masterpiece. Kind of gets into his head more. Kinda.

I hope I can khatam the Qur'an again this Ramadhan too. And leave Ramadhan later, a butterfly.
Which is an irony since I'm phobic to butterflies, but eh, humans rarely know what's best for them.

Toodles,
Keon.

Remembering Arissa

Today is Day 2 of me, post-miscarriage of my first child.

We got happily married on 25th January 2020.
I realized I'm pregnant 2 months after our wedding day.
H and I was so excited. We never wanted to wait; both of us are in our 30's, most of our peers already had an average of 2 children.
I'm excited and embraced every changes that's happening to me.
I cant tolerate heat. I sweat like a pig. My appetite is beyond monstrous. And I get tired very easily.
Alhamdulillah I did not have the usual nausea and vomiting like others do.
I cannot eat fast food or coffee, or I will get bloated and constipated. I called you Miss Healthy Lifestyle, child. I miss my nuggets. Haha.
It reaches a point where H would stand guard when I'm cooking at the kitchen beside me, afraid I might get too tired and fell down.
H was keen to search for baby names. Me on the other hand, wasn't as enthusiastic, I didn't know why. I told H I'm hoping to get a girl, so that I can dress her in pretty frocks and dresses. I want her to inherit H's brown eyes. H said he kinda love the name Arissa. Which means, strong spirits. Keazaman yang kuat. I laughed it off, saying it's a very common name for kids these days, even when I was working at the kindergarten prior to housemanship.

11/4/2020
I saw a spot of brown ?blood on my underwear with some discharge. I brushed it off, thinking maybe it's just a discharge. I did my usual chores and by Maghrib time, I got ready to take a bath. I realized I was bleeding. A lot.
I told H and he asked me to be calm, to get ready to be scanned at the hospital. We went and alhamdulillah, the baby was still there in my womb. I was treated as threatened miscarriage and given some meds, allowed home soon as.
H forced me to do complete rest in bed. He cooked (amazingly) and put a side table near our bed, taking care of my every single movement.

12/4/2020
The next day he still got to work, so he woke up early and cooked a meal for me, putting it on my side table so that I dont have to move, along with my meds. He came home a few times to check on me (luckily the clinic he works at is a mere 2 mins drive.) The bleeding didnt stop. It got worse.

At 4 pm I woke up from sleep, thinking I peed myself. I went to the toilet only to find out blood pouring out of me like tapwater. I called H and he came straight home. While I was getting ready to the hospital, I felt something big came out of me and there it is. The POC, as we called in medical terms. Product of conception. Something fleshy. A.k.a. my baby. I couldnt hold it in anymore and cried like anything. H cried too while holding me tight. After a while of gathering ourselves, we went to the hospital for a scan. And the doctor confirmed it. The baby came out with the placenta. And my uterus is empty. I felt empty. And there is nothing that can change me back.

We haven't even make it to our first checkup. From what we've learned, the baby's heart started beating at 5 weeks. And my baby is at 7 weeks old. At home, H did a simple tahlil for the baby. We decided to name her Arissa. To remember our first child. He buried our child the next morning, near to the flowers beside our house.

So here I am, in confinement during MCO days, without my mother/mother in law with me.
This is for you sayang mummy,
Arissa binti Khairul Nor Al-Hafiz,
The first in my womb,
and the first in my heart. Mummy and daddy love you and miss you entirely.
May we meet again in Jannah sayang, ameen ya rabbal 'alamin.

37 Days

These last 37 days towards The Day, our wedding day.

I nearly merajuk with him yesterday. We were planning for our honeymoon trip, and were torn between Penang and Sabah. At first I’d just obliged to the Penang idea, but when we tried calculating for the Sabah trip, the costs are almost the same- and Penang isn’t looking like it’s cutting a lot of slack for our pockets.
Once I got him reeled in into the Sabah trip idea, I dove right in- planning itineraries, which hotel to book, what activities to do, where to get food, etc. I got so damn excited to see the place where I practically grew up, until H suddenly chipped in, “tapi what if kita pegi Penang, ada private pool kat Lexis?”

I got so mad I practically just stayed silent to avoid shouting at him. I tried to calm myself down thinking hard that it’s okay, I’ve been there, and this is a 2 persons’ decision, and we can always go there whenever. Just maybe not now when money’s a bit tight with all the planning.

I didn’t realised I miss Kota Kinabalu that much till that very moment.

Driving home after dinner, after a longggggggg silence spell, H just said something that nearly made me cry.
“Sayang, you memang nak sangat pergi Sabah ye? You rindu kan tempat you membesar dulu? Lepas ni you rasa macam susah eh kita nak pegi?”

I grunted in reply.

“Okaylah kita pergi Sabah ye. Janganlah macamni dengan I.”

I cried so hard on the way back. Because I never really expected him to understand me- like he’s been reading my thoughts the whole time.
If anything, it made me fell for him harder.
I never asked to be understood. People telling me I’m weird the whole time. But having someone like H, is totally a blessing.

And there I ranted here, cz I felt Twitter is too public nowadays.

Another 37 days to barge in like a total Bridezilla. It’s kinda irony that we watched Godzilla on our first date. Lol

Puisiku

Dalam keresahanku meladeni buku-buku puisi
Mencari kata paling indah untuk hari bahagia kita-

Aku tersedar, dalam sekalian aksara
Kau puisiku terpaling baldu,
tiada taranya sekalian lagu.

Tiga Puluh Ketidaksendirian

Saban tahun aku menanti tanggal 28 Oktober.
Menyambut suka dan duka sepanjang berlabuh nafasku ke dunia.

Sudah sekian banyak tahun aku menyambut ulang tahun dengan status bujang.
Kali ini,
statusnya tunangan orang.

Terasa ganjil di keluk fikir.
Terasa gelisah entah apa di hujung hati.

Hafiz baik sekali denganku pada tanggal 28 lalu. Dibelikannya sebuah kek keju SDS dengan tulisan "Happy Birthday Sayang" tertera dalam manis buttercream, dan menanti aku dengan penuh setia di luar klinik selama 5 jam aku bertugas locum. Tempoh hari dia belikan pula aku satu soft toy arnab Jellycat yang lama aku idamkan (tapi in denial, takkanlah hadiah usia 30 tahun beli boneka seperti keanak-anakan. Tapi tapi tapi!) Aku akui aku masih dalam tempoh adjustment membiasakan konsep 'kita' daripada 'aku' selama ini.

Kemudian hari pun berlalu,
aku dan Hafiz perlu terus menyambung persiapan ke gerbang perkahwinan.

Ulang tahun ke-30 ku tidak sunyi dengan seribu persoalan masa hadapan.

Aku sulam segala tanya dengan doa-doa pengharapan, dan aku tahu, bidai kehidupan cuma akan tersingkap seiring waktu.

Selamat Ulang Tahun ke-tiga puluh Khairunnisa, semoga derapmu senantiasa bahagia.

Stanza Untuk H

Kita, sudah bergenggam hati, sejauh ini.
Pernah kau bilang padaku, kau tak fahami susun baitku,
Metaforaku,
Rima turun naikku.

Aku cuba melelasi segala hutan kias
Mempamer cinta tanpa pentas berhias
Jujur, kau teristimewa, tanpa sebarang bias.

Sayang,
Jalan masih panjang
Kita tetap punya kita.

Senggat Baldu Melaju

Tiap detik, derap disusup baldu
Sepemeluk lembut terbias kencana
Sisip-sisip nuansa suria di balik jemarimu,
Silaukan pandang hariku
Bertempiar pergi lelah dan bungkam khilaf
Di tampang jemalamu.

Belum waktukah lagi untuk kita menempa janji
Setia, bahagia dan selama-lama?
Ini baharu satu purnama,
Bagaimana pula sekalian fana?

Mana mungkin kuingin pergi dari lilit masa kita.
Tiap senggat bercantum jua-
Segala beza dan balah, terasing
Seiring, tak bikin sekelumit pusing.

Arjuna,
Kau seluruh segala tinggi
Menyinar peri ke akhir nafasku
Menyirna sepiku bersepai hapus.



Buat cinta, di satu purnama kita.
1 Ogos 2019

Untuk Sukma.

Kutemukan bulan di pinggir matamu
Terang bersinar, dalam bundar
Sayu tenggelam, sunyi bungkam
Dipeluk syahdu menikam

Limpah cahaya, malamku siang
Derap waktu di awang-awang
Kala hilang, kunanti pulang
Dendam rindu ditatang-tatang

Kusambut seluruhnya keluk landai
Kuhindar ragu kadang membadai
Sorot masa cinta melampai, kutaruh senyum

Tiada sangka kau akan mampir berkunjung.

Sayang, sewangi frangipani
Kasihku menguntum harum.

Romadhon-Syawal 1440H

Assalamualaykum, kita bertemu lagi dalam rancangan bebelan Keon sempena Puasa Raya tahun ini.

I think this year, time runs too fast. Ada orang kata, semakin dekat dengan kiamat, semakin cepat waktu berlalu. Masih juga belum insaf dalam berbagai perkara.

Aku melalui Ramadhan dan Aidilfitri tahun ini dengan pelbagai rencah. Pada aku, terlalu banyak perkara yang mengusutkan fikiran. Not many people realized it, people at work just started to recognize me, atok and nenek still adjusting to my presence, aku masih sendiri-sendiri menyimpan stress yang kadang-kadang tak tertanggung. Aisyah jauh. Kalau dulu, dia dulu yang akan menegur kalau riak wajah aku kelihatan 'lain' atau aku terlalu try hard untuk kelihatan gembira. Sekarang, nak tegur pun kadang-kadang.

Banyak kali guna perkataan kadang-kadang.

Maybe this is just adjustment disorder.

I'm still trying to put my feet on good grounds.
At times, aku rasa mungkin berpindah keluar dari rumah nenek adalah lebih baik, tapi...entahlah.

Senantiasa, ingat saja Tuhan takkan meletakkan aku di luar batas kemampuan.

Hidup adalah sementara. Jodoh adalah takdir, dan mati adalah pasti.

Semoga impian aku bertemu Husnul Khatimah akan jua terkabul.
Taubat selalu belum cukup.

Masih banyak sisi-sisi kasar seorang aku. Belum habis dikertaspasirkan.