Pengamen

Bibirnya masih berbau sigup

Usai minta-minta hirup tadi malam

Berjualan untuk hidup-

Mencopet juga untuk hidup

Segalanya, untuk hidup

Tapi hidup, untuk apa?

Diperlekeh sehabis usia

Lahirnya tak bertanda nama.

Days, or Weeks

In a few days, or weeks,

I shall held you in my arms

Calm and embracing

Soft and nurturing

For you, is half of me,

Sayang.

In a few days, or weeks,

we'll tread the journey

untested and unknowing

I'll be your best bud

and you'll be our precious gem.

For years to come

I wouldn't know what's in store

Or how our lives be severed

But our souls- will remain entwined

till the gates of heavens reunites us.

A blessing, a gift, my hadiah, my precious heart and soul.

I would never known anything

Before you came along.

May Allah keep us safe-

in a few more days, or weeks, to come.

In A Matter of 10 Years

Who are you, in 10 years.

What do you know. What you'd expect?

I came across a chat saved in my email between me and my high school friend, dated in 2010.

I'd rather call that year my Dark Age.

The manner of speaking is so unlike me nowadays, so childish and depressed (cz I just got out of a toxic relationship), yet so optimistic. It's an irony since it'd been ages I've spoken to him. He's kinda avoided me, and all of our other schoolmates, for reasons God knows what.

And 10 years later, I've been struggling with a different kind of hell.

Even after all that I've been through,

Going through the chat history made me realized that no matter how shitty and down I may feel,

Allah always have a way to turn it around.

So have some faith, shall we?

- 10 days towards Ramadhan,

Khairun.

Kau Membunuhku Dengan Senyum

Seukir senyum 

Terpahat langsung dengan tangan berdarah

Menghujam rakus ke kalbu pasrah.

Telinga tak mendengar lagi

Baris-baris hakikat

Mata tak melihat lagi

Tiap asa terlumat

Terkumal habis di bawah gebar, terenyuk kumat.

Apa lagi erti berdiri

Jika jasad kelihatannya ampuh, tegal

Tapi jiwanya rapuh, bersepai sepai.

Aku tidak meminta secebis ihsan

Cuma sekelumit kasihan

Bukan kasih tapi sekadar tahan.

Jalan ini sepi sekali

Anjing pun malu mengongoi hampa.

Keretapi Laju

Tunggu, jangan laju terlalu, bilang masa

setiap satu belum sempat dilarikkan

di atas kekunci tua keras, satu-satu aksara tempias.

Acara-acara bertimpa-timpa

Irama keretapi lama.

Setiap saat adalah titisan doa

Untuk keluar dari rentak-rentak melodrama

Meladeni kesedihan di celah-celah sibuk pandu lalu-

Terlalu, berat terlalu.

Breakdowns

Now and then I'll be having episodes of breakdown

Where my imperfections be eating at my very soul and convinced me that I wasn't good enough for anything- damn I hate the feeling

As I struggled with life adjustments, sometimes I wonder if I make rash decisions- starting a family, juggling work and housechores, further my studies. When I look around, it seems like everybody else is doing it so seamlessly, no sweat. While I'm always struggling. And becoming more paranoid each day.

Sometimes I counted the number of days I wasn't feeling okay, and reassured myself that it hasn't reach 14 days yet. And I think I have nobody to talk to, since I'd hate to burden people with things on my mind which seems like a second nature to everybody else.

Maybe I need professional help.

And I'm pursuing Psychiatry. How ironic, innit.

Ramadhan 1st, 1441H

Bismillah.

This is the first Ramadhan for me, after I got married.
Ramadhan is always coming (even more reminded each time I opened Naja's blog, lol) and alhamdulillah I'm able to reach Ramadhan again, this year.
Too much has happened and too many feelings, sometimes I'm confused of what to call my current feeling is.

The dusk of Ramadhan the 1st this year, I did my tarawih alone, cz of the RMO and H was too tired from his dayjob. He ended up doing his tarawih at the wee hours of 2 am. But we managed to get sahur together, just a small affair, and I'm glad to learn that he shares the same values for sahur as mine, as in he appreciates sahur as a blessing and it is a practicable sunnah to take sahur late. After the subuh prayers, we didn't know what else to do other than him watching his anime, planning desserts for berbuka (apparently I'm in for an Egyptian treat tonight) and me, finally finding the time to really read Senandika by Lutfi Ishak.

Let me share some of my favourite excerpts from Senandika.

i. apakah aku pengembara, mencari cabaran di tanah baru
atau pemburu, menjejak hening paling murni? atau seorang
pemimpi, jarang menemui kebeningan dalam tidurnya --
kau tahu, seorang budiman bermimpi menjadi rama-rama
tika bangun, diakah rama-rama yang lena?
di tanah jauh ini, aku sering tersesat di dalam mimpi bingit
tika sedar, apakah aku betul-betul jaga?

kuhargai sihat kerana maklum erti sakit, tapi
apakah bingit, kalaku tidak tahu makna sunyi?

ii. kata-kata lebih abadi, sepanjang perjalanan
cukup aksara. sekeping gambar, potret ribuan erti
tanpa aksara, sekeping gambar
bagai pengetahuan tanpa budi.

I also noticed Mr Lutfi seems to really took a liking to the word 'senapati'. It's included in every other poem in this piece. I wish I can discuss this piece with someone later on. It's interesting to read his un-themed antology, after reading Dondang Pembukaan which is a beautiful, majestic planned masterpiece. Kind of gets into his head more. Kinda.

I hope I can khatam the Qur'an again this Ramadhan too. And leave Ramadhan later, a butterfly.
Which is an irony since I'm phobic to butterflies, but eh, humans rarely know what's best for them.

Toodles,
Keon.