Remembering Arissa

Today is Day 2 of me, post-miscarriage of my first child.

We got happily married on 25th January 2020.
I realized I'm pregnant 2 months after our wedding day.
H and I was so excited. We never wanted to wait; both of us are in our 30's, most of our peers already had an average of 2 children.
I'm excited and embraced every changes that's happening to me.
I cant tolerate heat. I sweat like a pig. My appetite is beyond monstrous. And I get tired very easily.
Alhamdulillah I did not have the usual nausea and vomiting like others do.
I cannot eat fast food or coffee, or I will get bloated and constipated. I called you Miss Healthy Lifestyle, child. I miss my nuggets. Haha.
It reaches a point where H would stand guard when I'm cooking at the kitchen beside me, afraid I might get too tired and fell down.
H was keen to search for baby names. Me on the other hand, wasn't as enthusiastic, I didn't know why. I told H I'm hoping to get a girl, so that I can dress her in pretty frocks and dresses. I want her to inherit H's brown eyes. H said he kinda love the name Arissa. Which means, strong spirits. Keazaman yang kuat. I laughed it off, saying it's a very common name for kids these days, even when I was working at the kindergarten prior to housemanship.

11/4/2020
I saw a spot of brown ?blood on my underwear with some discharge. I brushed it off, thinking maybe it's just a discharge. I did my usual chores and by Maghrib time, I got ready to take a bath. I realized I was bleeding. A lot.
I told H and he asked me to be calm, to get ready to be scanned at the hospital. We went and alhamdulillah, the baby was still there in my womb. I was treated as threatened miscarriage and given some meds, allowed home soon as.
H forced me to do complete rest in bed. He cooked (amazingly) and put a side table near our bed, taking care of my every single movement.

12/4/2020
The next day he still got to work, so he woke up early and cooked a meal for me, putting it on my side table so that I dont have to move, along with my meds. He came home a few times to check on me (luckily the clinic he works at is a mere 2 mins drive.) The bleeding didnt stop. It got worse.

At 4 pm I woke up from sleep, thinking I peed myself. I went to the toilet only to find out blood pouring out of me like tapwater. I called H and he came straight home. While I was getting ready to the hospital, I felt something big came out of me and there it is. The POC, as we called in medical terms. Product of conception. Something fleshy. A.k.a. my baby. I couldnt hold it in anymore and cried like anything. H cried too while holding me tight. After a while of gathering ourselves, we went to the hospital for a scan. And the doctor confirmed it. The baby came out with the placenta. And my uterus is empty. I felt empty. And there is nothing that can change me back.

We haven't even make it to our first checkup. From what we've learned, the baby's heart started beating at 5 weeks. And my baby is at 7 weeks old. At home, H did a simple tahlil for the baby. We decided to name her Arissa. To remember our first child. He buried our child the next morning, near to the flowers beside our house.

So here I am, in confinement during MCO days, without my mother/mother in law with me.
This is for you sayang mummy,
Arissa binti Khairul Nor Al-Hafiz,
The first in my womb,
and the first in my heart. Mummy and daddy love you and miss you entirely.
May we meet again in Jannah sayang, ameen ya rabbal 'alamin.

37 Days

These last 37 days towards The Day, our wedding day.

I nearly merajuk with him yesterday. We were planning for our honeymoon trip, and were torn between Penang and Sabah. At first I’d just obliged to the Penang idea, but when we tried calculating for the Sabah trip, the costs are almost the same- and Penang isn’t looking like it’s cutting a lot of slack for our pockets.
Once I got him reeled in into the Sabah trip idea, I dove right in- planning itineraries, which hotel to book, what activities to do, where to get food, etc. I got so damn excited to see the place where I practically grew up, until H suddenly chipped in, “tapi what if kita pegi Penang, ada private pool kat Lexis?”

I got so mad I practically just stayed silent to avoid shouting at him. I tried to calm myself down thinking hard that it’s okay, I’ve been there, and this is a 2 persons’ decision, and we can always go there whenever. Just maybe not now when money’s a bit tight with all the planning.

I didn’t realised I miss Kota Kinabalu that much till that very moment.

Driving home after dinner, after a longggggggg silence spell, H just said something that nearly made me cry.
“Sayang, you memang nak sangat pergi Sabah ye? You rindu kan tempat you membesar dulu? Lepas ni you rasa macam susah eh kita nak pegi?”

I grunted in reply.

“Okaylah kita pergi Sabah ye. Janganlah macamni dengan I.”

I cried so hard on the way back. Because I never really expected him to understand me- like he’s been reading my thoughts the whole time.
If anything, it made me fell for him harder.
I never asked to be understood. People telling me I’m weird the whole time. But having someone like H, is totally a blessing.

And there I ranted here, cz I felt Twitter is too public nowadays.

Another 37 days to barge in like a total Bridezilla. It’s kinda irony that we watched Godzilla on our first date. Lol

Puisiku

Dalam keresahanku meladeni buku-buku puisi
Mencari kata paling indah untuk hari bahagia kita-

Aku tersedar, dalam sekalian aksara
Kau puisiku terpaling baldu,
tiada taranya sekalian lagu.

Tiga Puluh Ketidaksendirian

Saban tahun aku menanti tanggal 28 Oktober.
Menyambut suka dan duka sepanjang berlabuh nafasku ke dunia.

Sudah sekian banyak tahun aku menyambut ulang tahun dengan status bujang.
Kali ini,
statusnya tunangan orang.

Terasa ganjil di keluk fikir.
Terasa gelisah entah apa di hujung hati.

Hafiz baik sekali denganku pada tanggal 28 lalu. Dibelikannya sebuah kek keju SDS dengan tulisan "Happy Birthday Sayang" tertera dalam manis buttercream, dan menanti aku dengan penuh setia di luar klinik selama 5 jam aku bertugas locum. Tempoh hari dia belikan pula aku satu soft toy arnab Jellycat yang lama aku idamkan (tapi in denial, takkanlah hadiah usia 30 tahun beli boneka seperti keanak-anakan. Tapi tapi tapi!) Aku akui aku masih dalam tempoh adjustment membiasakan konsep 'kita' daripada 'aku' selama ini.

Kemudian hari pun berlalu,
aku dan Hafiz perlu terus menyambung persiapan ke gerbang perkahwinan.

Ulang tahun ke-30 ku tidak sunyi dengan seribu persoalan masa hadapan.

Aku sulam segala tanya dengan doa-doa pengharapan, dan aku tahu, bidai kehidupan cuma akan tersingkap seiring waktu.

Selamat Ulang Tahun ke-tiga puluh Khairunnisa, semoga derapmu senantiasa bahagia.

Stanza Untuk H

Kita, sudah bergenggam hati, sejauh ini.
Pernah kau bilang padaku, kau tak fahami susun baitku,
Metaforaku,
Rima turun naikku.

Aku cuba melelasi segala hutan kias
Mempamer cinta tanpa pentas berhias
Jujur, kau teristimewa, tanpa sebarang bias.

Sayang,
Jalan masih panjang
Kita tetap punya kita.

Senggat Baldu Melaju

Tiap detik, derap disusup baldu
Sepemeluk lembut terbias kencana
Sisip-sisip nuansa suria di balik jemarimu,
Silaukan pandang hariku
Bertempiar pergi lelah dan bungkam khilaf
Di tampang jemalamu.

Belum waktukah lagi untuk kita menempa janji
Setia, bahagia dan selama-lama?
Ini baharu satu purnama,
Bagaimana pula sekalian fana?

Mana mungkin kuingin pergi dari lilit masa kita.
Tiap senggat bercantum jua-
Segala beza dan balah, terasing
Seiring, tak bikin sekelumit pusing.

Arjuna,
Kau seluruh segala tinggi
Menyinar peri ke akhir nafasku
Menyirna sepiku bersepai hapus.



Buat cinta, di satu purnama kita.
1 Ogos 2019

Untuk Sukma.

Kutemukan bulan di pinggir matamu
Terang bersinar, dalam bundar
Sayu tenggelam, sunyi bungkam
Dipeluk syahdu menikam

Limpah cahaya, malamku siang
Derap waktu di awang-awang
Kala hilang, kunanti pulang
Dendam rindu ditatang-tatang

Kusambut seluruhnya keluk landai
Kuhindar ragu kadang membadai
Sorot masa cinta melampai, kutaruh senyum

Tiada sangka kau akan mampir berkunjung.

Sayang, sewangi frangipani
Kasihku menguntum harum.