The Commuter

Just watched the movie with work peeps. Liam Neeson is a heck of a smart old man, who I would never had a chance with. Moral of the story, you'll never know who would betray you, and you'll never see the realness of humanity unless u paid attention. And the final destination is death. That's your final ultimatum, no matter how hard you put ur grit in it.

I realised I had no attachments right now. No one to rant to, no one to cry to, no one really cared about me, no one to go home to. I gotta accept that probably this is gonna be my fate for the rest of my life. But I'm still open to surprises, no joke abt that. Lol. No place to rant at other than here too, i've just ruined my twitter account. Maybe it's just time for me to be a mature adult. Less complaining, more action. More meaningful acts.

I gotta sit down and jot down my resolution. Not tonight.

Keon
Where all hopes goes to hell

2018, before it's too late

This year,

I'm finding myself.

Chasing Cars

You need hardships, to build perspective.
You need hardships to grow.
A pampered brat never really goes nowhere.

And here I am in KL Sentral, with my unholy baggage filled with clothes (to be laundered) and a sick me, down with flu, and it's raining outside.

I'm overdramatizing things.

Let me get this straight. I'm a well built woman who just got into a car accident last week to my utter dismay and my car is, again, at the workshop waiting to be fixed. And I'm carless. And almost helpless. It's been a good 6 months since I last took any public transport, ever.

I opted for nasi lemak ayam goreng at Meal Station, KL Sentral, choosing a table facing the sidewalk, facing the 3 Novels for RM25 shop.

A few blind people walked past me with their walking stick guiding them. And all of them, are alone. Alone, and can't see. But they are not lost. Not one of them. Their gait showed purpose. No uncertainty, at all. None.

Weirdly enough, I feel like I can relate to them.

I felt handicapped these times, being carless. I feel like I can't go places, can't do much. But my routine hasn't changed. At all. I still go out every night (in my friends' car.) I still go home today on my offday, tho I spent an effing RM40 on Uber alone. (It's a 2 way ticket to Johor price, but it's not the time for me to be a cheapskate.) And I'm still very much alive.

I guess I have to learn to stop complaining so much.

Cheers,
Keon.

Forgetting

I almost forgot how you look like.
I almost forgot how you sound.
And I feel a tad bit scared, yet so confused of exactly why.

Losing is liberating, but sometimes the memories.

The memories won't let you go.

Takziah - (3)

Sedih yang tak terungkap adalah sedih yang terulung
Yang dibelakangkan lagu-lagu sepi dan cita yang terkulum
Meraung, ranum
Maktub tak tercapaikan
Layak dipertontonkan
Buat tawa, buat suka
Layar lara ini biar gelita.

Untuk apa meleret tangis, suaranya sumbang
Mengganggu tidur di pinggiran malam,
Sayang.
Bahagia bukan milik kita
Biar.
Selimutkan dengan kanvas hitam
Biar mati, biar hilang.

Sedih ini kusulamkan dengan senyum yang tidak pernah tulus
Mengharap ada yang muncul menghapus,
Impimu biarkan kambus, saja.

Saja-saja kau pertaruh nyawa, jiwa
Dalam kereta yang kau pandu laju
Jika terbabas tiada peduli
Hatimu telah lama karam, dahulu.

Eh, katamu,
Siapa yang bersedih?

Yang Tak Muncul Tiba di Sebuah Pemula

Aku raikan tahun baharu dengan ucapan selamat hari jadi kepada dua sahabat, dan keluhan berat.

Dua hari sebelum itu, aku ketemu Syed. Dalam ramai-ramai kawan, Syed salah seorangnya yang observant. Aku mulanya cuma mahu jumpa kerana bosan tiada teman bicara. Tapi, berjumpa Syed selalu buat aku berfikir lama.

Kali ini, Syed beritahu sesuatu yang memang nyata hasil dari pemerhatiannya.

"Akhir-akhir ni, I selalu buat benda sorang-sorang, Keon. Kadang-kadang I buat sebab I nak buktikan I boleh. And orang yang I nak spend time with, taknak spend time dengan I, so other people doesn't count. Other people won't fill the space. I rasa you pun sama."

Aku rasa macam kena tampar dengan realiti.

Dalam setahun yang sudah, aku rasa kehilangan dua kali (tiga, tapi yang ketiga doesn't count.) Dan aku menampung kekosongan itu dengan spend time sesuka hati, kadang-kadang mengabaikan penat lelah dan keselamatan diri sendiri, most of the time, seorang diri. Sebab others won't understand. Others won't fill the space.

And I still feel as empty as ever.

As if I won't ever be happy again.

Aku mencari reason. Dan bila aku lihat orang bahagia, aku cuba gembira sama untuk orang itu, dan aku semakin hari semakin percaya yang aku takkan temui kebahagiaan untuk diri sendiri, dan aku rasa aku tak perlu sedih kerana ini takdir untuk aku.

Aku rasakan bahagia cuma suatu konsep yang tak mungkin untuk seorang Keon.

2018, adakah engkau akan memberi kejutan untuk aku?

4 Januari 2018
Tanglung Pemula sudah mati

Pergi

Aku dan segala kehodohanku
Tidak berharap tertampal di mana-mana sudut muka bumi nyata
Cukup sekadar di cakap-cakap
Atau ilusi alam maya.

Aku dan segala kehodohanku
Biarkan sirna.