Finding the You in you

Yesterday, I watched Moana with Zulkifli and my cousin at D'Pulze's TGV. Moana is based on a Maui legend where a chief's daughter, also a newly elected chief, was prohibited by her father to go beyond the reefs of her island in order to help her dying island. She loved the seas anyway. She had always loved the ocean.

She tried to solve the problems without going beyond the island, until there's no fish anymore in the lagoon. You can always start a new crop. You cannot force fishes to come to you. That's when Moana, by the urge from her dying grandma, went off to return the heart of Ta Fiti the goddess of nature to revive all lives.

Enough spoilers. As Zul was hoping, the movie did cheered my moody self up. It made me kinda believed in myself. Even just for a tiny bit. These days I think I'm a hopeless case. I'm not that good at my job. I'm not the best daughter to my parents. My love life is non existent. I didn't complete my reading challenge this year. I feel like I'm detached from the little group of friends that I had.

But Moana taught me (or rather, reminded me) that you have to know your true self. What you love most. What you think your core is. And as long as you know who you are, you can do things. You can go places. You can, at the very least, function as a neurotypical person.

Well there's many thing that I love. I can't really say which I loved most. I'd say I love to write poems, but I didn't for a long time now. I love to sing, but I only sing in my car now. I love to work with people, but my work exhausted me. But yeah, I'll try to continue doing what I love. I won't stop. I believe if I'm grateful for what I have, then I'll be okay. At least I still have a job. I still have friends like Zul who would take me to watch movies (not after this, apparently! He's going into medical dept, haha goodluck babe) so yeah I really really reallyyyy should be grateful.

Find who you are. Try to do good. This whole life is a test. And Allah is with the grateful.

Keon out.

Light Up

So I went to this Light Up event. Knew about it from this lady Anis K., whom I followed on Twiddar since she recited a poem of hers during the GilaKata event last...august, I think? Sometime before I started housemanship. It was held by Befrienders KL, a NGO who are working hard to help those who are depressed and mentally unwell. They have a helpline for people to reach out. I'm always interested in what they do, so I decided to spend my precious non working day attending this event.

The attendance aren't really great. I think around 20 (or less? I dunno) ppl showed up, but hey, that's a good start. I couldn't make it to the morning session. I came for the evening session, where a counselor from UPM held a workshop to detox our stress. I was hoping for some letting out session but instead they gave us crayons and drawing paper, asking us to portray our happy, sad and angry thoughts. It was therapeutic nonetheless, but I still want to talk to somebody haha. Actually a good thing too cz I might end up crying lol if it involved talking..but yeah some of the steam went off alright. Followed by a laidback forum session where one of the panels was a Borderline Personality Disorder survivor. I don't know if the word survivor fitted her honestly, cz she's still on meds and follow ups, but she is a positive thinker, and I guess that's good. It provides a good insight on what people like her are going through. I, on the other hand, am diagnosing myself with depression lels. One panel is a psychologist from HKL. I asked her if there's any way for us housemen to reach out for help without going to MO for referral, because, even amongst us doctors the stigma is high. Eventually, people are going to know that u went to a psychiatrist and your MO referred you, and they wont trust you to treat patients even after ure okay, and that's a really sad situation and discouragement for people who underwent all that. People were surprised, one because most of them thot i was a uni student and second because they never thot the stigma is there even in the medical community. Apparently we don't need referrals in the first place for staffs. I should clarify this later because yeah sometimes I also wanted counselling, not to the extent that I want meds but just someone to talk to about controlling my emotions. Hashtag midlifecrisis lol.

Overall I think it's very enlightening and they gave out flyers to stop verbal abuse for mental health and shiz. I'm deffo gonna tampal it around my ward and stop myself from the temptation to shove the pamphlet into some ppl's faces. Lels.

It's still a long journey for Malaysia to be mentally ill-supportive, but events liddis made me feel like it's going somewhere and it's gonna get better InshaAllah in the future.

Awesome day indeed. Worth the frightening car parking experience at Maju Tower. 😂

Sabtuku Membawa Diri

"Tomyam dua, nasi tiga"
Ujar 4 sekawan seirama. Apa kamu ingat kamu Spice Girls atau Elite?, desisku dalam hati. Aku sendirian di mejaku. Kedai ini cuma ada aku, dan mereka sebagai pelanggan. Tukang layannya juga sedang duduk-duduk goyang kaki, menikmati tengahari sabtu yang sunyi.

Aku di sini untuk mendengar satu ceramah. Ceramah kedengaran agak bosan, ya. Sebuah perkumpulan kecil-kecilan, anjuran Befrienders KL. Mereka membincangkan isu kesihatan mental yang menjadi stigma masyarakat negara ini. Aku kira kesihatan mental aku juga kurang memberangsangkan akhir-akhir ini. Not very fantastic, dalam bahasa penjajah kita. Jadi aku fikir, mungkin kebetulan aku cuti, Tuhan memang memberi ruang padaku untuk pergi ke sini.

Kopi terlebih inflasi dari The Library Coffee Bar dan tomyam ayam yang selamat kubaham, kupandang sepi. Ku harap, ada sinar yang lebih cerah menantiku, di penghujung hari ini.

Nanti, akan kuceritakan lagi.

Ketakutanku

Ketakutanku adalah merindu kamu separuh mati-
Dan kamu tak pernah tahu, atau sekali-kali peduli.
Ketakutanku adalah kehilangan kamu nanti-
Sementara kamu terlupakan aku dalam sibuk.
Ketakutanku adalah kita bersua di jalan sunyi-
Dan kita masing-masing melirik ke arah lain, tidak mesra bertanyakan hal masing-masing.
Aku tak mahu dan takut pada masa kita bukan lagi seperti kita,
Dan aku tahu cemburu memang lumrahnya masa,
Dan segala ketakutanku adalah milik aku sendiri-sendiri yang jikalau engkau tahu-
Pasti tersambut oleh tawa engkau yang sepertinya gerimis kristal itu.

Ketakutanku adalah kehilangan kamu,
Tapi segala suara dan asa mengingkari aku,
Ketakutanku adalah jauh darimu,
Tapi kehilangan senyum kamu dan segala mungkin yang tak enak kedengarannya-
Mengugut keberanian yang tak seberapanya ada.

Kamu,
Dalam doaku mengongoi minta
Agar kamu jangan pergi.

Tapi ini akhirnya,
Ini takdirnya,
Yang kekal bukan manusia
Yang indah bukanlah aku, atau kita.

Ketakutanku membunuhku sebelumku mati.

Sore Semakin Merah

Mendung sore ini
Memeluk rusuk kelamku
Sayu
Memikirkan takkan terjumpa dia di tanggal hadapan

Setiap satu rintik yang tersusun jatuh
Menitik seribu hampa
Lelah dirasa sebelum bermula
Renggangnya kita silap di mana

Mungkin aku alpa dengan duri, dan puing-puing ini
Yang aku jelmakan cuma istana kertas
Bila-bila masa kan tercarik, terbang melanting

Sejauh mana kan ku usung duka di pertengahan usia yang semakin memerah
Dan sore mengiyakan kata-kata buntu
Tak terlihat dia
Tak terkesan kamu

Biarkan rasa dan asa beradu
Utuhku lalu
Untuk orang-orang tak bernama
Suatu arca yang terdiri lamanya
Ranap sebegitu sekejip mata

Memang, aku selalu lupa
Takdirnya kita di genggaman siapa

Tuhan, aku melutut di persada awan-awan gelap
Mengirim derita dalam ratap
Yang aku mahu, cuma sekelumit rasa sihat di jiwa
Dan setaburan senyum dia yang bikin aku bahagia.

Tugu Kita

Suria, silau dan sinar
Lagu, irama dan pinar
Kau masih
Kau masih
Berputar

Garis masa melangkaui kita
Dalam pintalan-pintalan awan dan listrik
Aku tenggelam dalam lirik
Minta dihidupkan semula oleh masa

Ku tak ingin lihat kau begitu
Ampuh selalu
Rapuh terlalu
Asamu lagikan layu

Tunggu, aku jadi tugu.

Sungai

Derap-derap kaki
Di kepagianku
Tak seindah kenang debur-debur air
Di ingatanku

Alir deras itu
Aku rindu.